During this time of crisis and challenge brought to us by Covid-19 change is forced upon us whether we like it or not. It is especially true when it comes to end of life ceremonies and celebrations. Everything has changed without our permission. We all likely have very understandable emotional responses to our usual ways of saying good-bye not being available to us during this time.
So some of the important questions are;
1) How do we cope with not being able to be by their side when they were actively dying?
2) How do we continue our grief journey with a loved one who has died during this crisis?
3) How do we celebrate their life when we can’t get together?
4) How can we grieve our loss while waiting for the dust to settle so we can gather with family and friends to say our final good-byes?
6) How do we take good care of ourselves emotionally?
So, let’s have a look at these questions one at a time.
1) How do we cope with not being able to be by our loved one’s side when they are dying, knowing they are likely dying alone?
There is a lot to process in this question. First, our guilt or anger that we cannot be with them when they die. Then our upset that our loved one is likely going to die alone knowing that the last time we saw them was the last time! We may be upset with the hospital or the care home, or we may be upset at the pandemic for creating this shitty ending for a family member we love.
No matter what our emotional reaction is we do need to unwind it by finding was to communicate our true feelings. We can do so with a great friend, or a good therapist. We can talk it out, we can paint it out, or writing it out or walk it out. There is no end to what we can do to release and express what emotions we are experiencing in order that they don’t get in the way of our healthy grief for the loss of our loved one.
In a way there are two sets of grief here, one at the way the death happened, the other a result of the actual death. Both need to be expressed.
2) How do we continue our grief journey with a loved one who has died during this crisis?
It is a bit of a challenge because our normal or traditional ways of a funeral or a celebration of life has been interrupted by the current health crisis. We cannot gather as we did at the funeral home, the church or the cemetery. We often will not have access to those rituals that mark the end of life, so in a way it may feel like our grief is temporarily suspended.
What we can do though is twofold. Firstly set up an special place in your home, some call it an alter, where you can put a photograph of your deceased loved one along with some of their memorabilia. You can visit this special place whenever you feel the need to remember them.
Secondly you can create a celebration of life or a funeral service that meets your heart and family values. Write your plans down and make them known to friends and family so they too have a ceremony they can look forward to – a ceremony that will bring closure for one and all. Make these plans know to your funeral director, she or he will record them and keep the on hand so when things do return to a kind of normal you can pick a dates and put the plan into action.
3) How do we celebrate their life when we can’t get together?
Well this too is both a challenge and an opportunity and now more than ever a chance to put social media and virtual gatherings into practice. We can create a Facebook page. We can create a virtual meeting on Zoom.us or Skype. We can get together in a digital way and at least see each other and bear witness to one another online.
It is not like in person and yet it can be very helpful in creating a feeling of connection with family and friends.
4) How can we grieve our loss while waiting for the dust to settle so we can gather with family and friends to say our final good-byes?
We can use the special place or alter we have created in our home as a type of ‘church’ or sacred space where we go to miss our loved one and release some of our emotional grief. We can have a candle handy to light and it can be in a room in the home that is private. We can go there alone or with other family members living with us. We can even take our laptop or cell phone with us and connect with other virtually in our sacred space.
We could put a journal in the space where we can write memories or feelings out. Little notes to our loved ones, and memories that we cherish can be written down. Once the virus has passed we can take this journal with us to the celebration of life or funeral service and share it with those who come to say their good-byes.
We could make it part of our daily routine to make a visit to the special place once a day to keep our loved one’s memory close to our heart.
6) How do we take good care of ourselves emotionally?
I believe that the opposite to depression is expression so to maintain good emotional health find yourself a grief buddy, someone you can go to when you need to release some emotions. Stuffing our emotions down with the promise to take care of them later doesn’t work. When our emotions do arise we need to call on our grief buddy to receive us. You can grieve alone but it is not effective, it does take two to support the healthy release of emotions the sender needs a receiver.
These six steps will help keep the grief process moving and will indeed honour both your loved one and your need to grieve.
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